2012

The movie: If the end of the world is going to be that boring, I'm going to kill myself now and avoid the torture. The first 30-45 minutes of the movie are what I expected: disaster porn. An absolutely ridiculous rollercoaster where tidbits of plot served only as a vehicle to carry me into the next scene of shit blowing up.

And then... it became serious business. Here's the story. (SPOILERS) Science guy figures out we're all gonna die ("The neutrinos have mutated." I swear to fucking god that's a line from the movie). Govt guys decide that to save humanity we have to build a bunch of big boats and only put the rich people on them. Packages start at 1 billion euros. To get this shit done on time, the labor is contracted out to the Chinese. So we're saving rich people using forced labor and deplorable human rights policies. Anyway, through a chance run in with a crazy guy in the woods (Woody Harrelson playing himself), John Cusak's cute little suburban family finds out about all this crap and takes off across the globe to try and save themselves.

Except... there is no adventure. There's a lot of sitting on planes, sitting in trucks and talking. The science guys talk about how they were wrong and we're all gonna die sooner. The cute suburbanites talk about their failed marriage and their adorable little kids. The "heroes" talk about how we shouldn't just save the rich people. Except... that's all well and good but really, can I get on the boat before we try and save everyone else? Saving people is great as long as my ass has a seat already.

Near the end, there is a great act of charity where one of our "heroes" convinces the captain of his big boat to save a bunch of folks. Except! This act of charity involves saving hundreds of rich people whose boat didn't work. Well, and a handful of Chinese laborers. But mostly rich people.


So... the synopsis:

  • Act I (45 minutes): Explosions, death, fire, LA sinks into the ocean, Vegas blows up. Rio is sucked into the earth.
  • Act II (3.5 weeks): Walking. Walking. We're all gonna be ok. Walking. Still not king. Walking.
  • Act III (20 minutes): Operation "Save The Rich People" is mostly successful.
  • Epilogue: Turns out parts of Africa are still habitable. Let's land all the rich people there.

To be honest, this movie reminded me a lot of Deep Impact. I went to the theatre to see the world blow up and this horrible experiment we call humanity wiped off this rock for good. Instead, I got two hours of badly scripted underacted interpersonal bullshit between characters that I wanted to watch die in a pyroclastic flow. "Can the world end now, mommy? Oh fuck. They're talking again."